Words are important. So I can’t call it “cheating” when cheating means one exact thing – betraying. I went looking in the thesaurus to find a word that means “yeah, you went sniffing around in someone else’s yard, you were a stray dog, but not exactly a bad dog since you weren’t on a leash to begin with.” No such word seems to exist. Let’s try “extracurricularing” – even though it has a schoolish sound and the only school that dogs go to is obedience school, and this not exactly about obedience, except maybe obedience to the fact that too much obedience doesn’t necessarily make for a happy marriage, maybe just an orderly one, which is fine if you think order is sexy.
R. and I have had the leashes off for a long time. We’ve tried different approaches – telling each other about the wanderings, not telling – at various times the wanderings have happened a lot or a little or not at all. Extracurricularing is often on my mind – attempts are made sometimes to no avail and sometimes to avail. R. and I don’t have a lot of sex – haven’t for a while – so of course that makes extracurricularing more urgent. Yet I don’t want for us to break up. There’s lots of guys I could have good sex with (at least in theory), but only one I could love and live with, and I’ve got him. Still, I don’t want to parade my extracurricularing under his nose – that’s just crass and insensitive. I don’t want it to take away from our time together or our focus on each other. Naturally, this is a complicated balance, and I haven’t figured out how to achieve it. So, it requires a lot of discretion, which is not quite the same as sneaking, although it usually feels that way, and as such puts a damper on extracurricularing, because I hate to feel like a sneak. So, generally you’ll find me masturbating in the shower like a teenager.
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