Like a ghost haunting the corridors of an old building, so my guilt haunts me. Like an lioness stalking her prey, waiting for the opportune moment to pounce, so my shame waits for me.
Nothing happens by chance. Nothing. So for whatever reason, God allowed me to run into a guy I used to know while taking care of an errand. One glace and his eyes which are literally like ice in color- a very pale blue- caused my heart to freeze. One glance and that old familiar guilt came rushing back. One glance and the pain of my past, my shame before God and my future mate, and the horror of who I was came like a flood gate bursting open.
All I could do was avert my eyes and pretend I didn’t know him and pray he didn’t recognize me. After all, I have changed a lot since I was 14. He was the first guy that I actually ever saw, though I had seen porn much earlier. He was the first and only guy I’ve almost kissed, (but I turned my head). It was on him that I mastered the technique of a hand job. I am disgusted with myself just thinking about it, but I am grateful for God’s restraining grace in my life back then. As much as I defiled myself and my future marriage bed, He never allowed me to go all the way…I was too afraid because of the things I had been taught in sex-ed and the influence a Christian teacher in school who begged us not to use drugs or have sex (even passing out abstinence cards for us to sign).
I am still repulsed by the things I actually did do, I tell myself often that that too was covered by the blood of Christ. But it is moments like the one I had today that send me spiraling into a sea of guilt…again. I’m realizing each day that until I deal with the guilt that still pains my soul, I will never be able to enjoy the true peace of fellowship with God.
Lord, help me to remember that Christ’s death is sufficient for all my sin-past, present, and future. Oh to grace how great a debtor!
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