I was talking to a friend of mine who keeps insisting I get back up on the horse, so to speak, and get out there and start dating again.
First of all, I’m really not a ‘dater’ to begin with. In fact, I loathe dating. And, truth be told, I have never had a serious relationship with someone I dated first. How’s that, you ask? Most serious relationships were with guys I worked with. Men I already knew pretty well, where an attraction had gradually developed over the course of many weeks or months even. In my children’s fathers case, years.
I’m not a ‘relationship’ person. I don’t need to be with someone to feel complete, in fact, I have been single much longer than in a solid union. I can, however, enjoy casual relationships or ‘fuck buddy’ arrangements, and have done that often. Generally speaking, those relationships involve men I am only physically attracted to; many are far too young to be taken seriously. Or we have absolutely nothing in common except for a healthy sexual attraction.
I know many folks who need to always be in a relationship. They go from one to the other with very little time in between to reflect on the mistakes of the previous. They just can’t be alone. I have always felt that one should take at least a year off before considering a serious relationship. Why bring all that baggage along if you don’t have to?
There are also those who stay in bad relationships because they fear being alone. They will put up with all kinds of abuse and boundary crossing because they think they either can’t do any better, or they are simply too comfortable to start over again with someone else.
It’s also important to remember that folks who come with a list of rules—especially the ones who bring that list on a first date, should be avoided at all costs. I’m talking about the ‘here’s what I’m looking for’ and ‘here’s what I’m not looking for’ lists. Why? Because they are full of shit, and generally speaking, control freaks. They never play by the rules they set up. Never.
I’m sure you’re thinking; “Yeah but, shouldn’t we be honest about our intentions at the beginning of a potential relationship?” Sure thing. But why do we need to have so many rules? Can’t we just see what develops and proceed from there?
The last thing I want to hear, and this was a major problem with my last boyfriend, is how terrible a guys ex was. If you’re still hurting from that relationship, then what in the fuck are you doing starting up another? You aren’t ready.
I also hate to be compared to an ex. I remember many times having to remind my ex BF that I wasn’t his ex. That was a constant thorn in the paw of that relationship. He’d say things like; “Do you really like kissing me? She (the ex) always had commentary about that.” Once, I even said to him; “I’m not Her, sweetie.”
The one thing I have experienced time and time again, is the annoying bullshittery of a guy saying he’s not looking for anything serious and just wants to have some fun, because what ends up always happening is, somewhere along the line, they decide to change the rules. Which becomes an unfortunate blunder on their part. Still, they think that by setting up the terms at the beginning they are giving themselves an easy way out, should that become necessary. It’s a set up maneuver, and I hate being set up.
The problem is, if a guy tells me he’s not looking for anything serious, then I tend to not take them seriously by viewing the relationship as casual. And if I begin a relationship casually, that’s where it stays. It’s very hard for me to switch tracks once I have it in my head. Mostly because, when entering a casual relationship, I avoid making an emotional investment. I simply don’t do it as it wouldn’t make sense. I have had problems where I have become attached to a person, but feeling there is no chance for a long term partnership, I have no problem breaking away mentally, within a few weeks.
The best way for me to approach a relationship is with a sense of curiosity. I don’t want to be told that I shouldn’t fall in love with someone, by that someone, because that takes all the fun out of it. I’m not saying that every person I make a connection with I hope to fall in love with. Quite the contrary. I just don’t like to be told what I can and cannot do.
Anyway, I’ll start dating when it feels right. I’m not going to push myself because I’m still hurting and that wouldn’t be fair to anyone. Or fun.
No comments:
Post a Comment