My sexual awareness dawned fairly late for a girl in this day and age. I say that like I’m sexually aware now. I’m not. I’m inexperienced as all hell, actually. Usually it doesn’t matter; I don’t go around hooking up with guys I don’t know, and even if I do, the furthest I go is making out. That’s hard to mess up, even for me.
I spent a good portion of 2008 dating my first boyfriend. I’ll leave out the specifics, but will go so far as to say it started really well and ended… really not so well. Anyway, he was my first in several categories, including the one labeled “Head.” He was the first guy I ever went down on, and his reaction… apparently I blew him away, pun completely intended.
So there I was, with little to no sexual experience, suddenly being good at something. Everything I heard told me most girls hated giving head, but my best friend and I sat around exchanging tips and techniques. The fact that I was actually okay at it made me a million times happier to do it; I am the type of person who either gets it on the first try or mostly gives up, and I “got” this immediately. To be quite honest, I was very pleased with myself.
Flash forward a year and a bit, at which point the unpleasant breakup happened over six months ago. I took up with someone else in what could charitably be called an “on again, off again” relationship. In this relationship, sex was actually an option, which it hadn’t been with my previous boyfriend. It’s not that I disliked it, exactly… it’s just that I didn’t really like it, either, mainly because I didn’t know what I was doing and have body image issues to boot. I figured, hey, I’ll learn, become more comfortable with myself… and in the meantime, I give good head.
Except not, because a few months ago I was diagnosed with temporomandibular joint disorder. It’s not really a big deal; I’ve had it for years without knowing it. But here’s what happens: when I open my mouth too widely or for too long, my jaw joint dislocates and locks. I noticed that last year, but assumed it was normal. Well, it isn’t. The solution for a locked jaw is to bite down – the harder the better. Not to be too graphic, but I actually thought I would bite the… ahem. I thought I’d bite it off. And that was before my diagnosis. Yesterday I was on the phone with the specialist, explaining to him that when I yawn in the shower, my jaw seems a lot looser and more likely to lock than it used to. Here’s what he had to say: “You’re just going to have to stop opening your mouth so far.” So… I’m not allowed to yawn with an open mouth. And (although I didn’t ask, because that would just be awkward) I’m clearly not supposed to give head, either.
Basically I feel like I’ve just lost the entire reason for my appeal to guys. Obviously I’m selling myself short, yes I’m aware I’m nice-looking, yes I know I’m funny, a guy who really likes me won’t care about that, etc. etc. etc. (to quote the King). It’s stupid. I’m aware. But considering how thoroughly lousy I am at everything else, and how much anxiety it’s causing me, I might just stay away from guys.
This elevator is broken, please take the next car, it’s more likely to go down.
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