Every day my work email receives about 150 spam emails, they are collected and stored by my good friend Mr Norton Antivirus and put in the spambox; out of sight and out of mind. Well, I started reading through them and there seems to be a pattern, a theme running through the many varied spam emails. The theme is sex, or more specially the size of the recipient’s penis, and how it can help you get laid, pick up, or just find happiness in the bedroom. Reading through each and every one of them could be enough to cause some kind of anxiety attack, I don’t recommend it. There is some absolute gold in these emails though, and one could use their many tips as some sort of sexual dating guide. Forget the book The Game, this stuff you get for free, and Norton is kind enough to store them all together for easy viewing. Let’s have a look at some of the best free advice spam can offer.
- “Women are hungry for fleshy meat” –here I was thinking about a steak, until the next line: “Every woman will keep your great size in her memory”. Ah, I get it now. So women have a section in their memory especially for storing the exact lengths of the guys they have slept with. The email suggests this is a good reason for “adding some extra inches to your beef stick”, you’ll sleep with “so many women you’ll forget their names”. And here I thought that only happened at drunken New Year’s parties.
- Confidence is everything, that’s very common advice. Walk the walk guys, talk the talk, shag the something, you know what I mean. My next spam tells us that “nothing gives more confidence than a decent size in pants”. Basically, if you’re small, you can’t walk the walk. Do you want the link for the enlargement pills now? You just need to send them your full bank details and you’ll get them for free… wait a second…
- The next email relates to issues from your childhood, apparently “since your early childhood you were embarrassed by the size of your little friend”. And you thought your midget friend was the reason, nope, not that friend. I wonder how many other childhood issues we can blame that on? Just when you thought your fear of drowning came from that bathtub accident, think again mate.
- Not only do these spam emails dish out useful dating and sex advice, they provide some gardening tips too: “If you water your tool, it won’t grow, but we know what will help”. Maybe some fertiliser? I don’t think penis enlargement pills do much for the garden, but in this drought, I guess you should try everything. Try using that excuse when the courier arrives with your mail package.
- This next piece of advice is very handy for any guy that hates dipping below the belt. You see, “Men with large instruments don’t have to go down on girls”. Problem solved boys, problem solved.
- Simple female observations are also incredibly useful in the world of dating and sex, you see according to this email, “all girls agree to pull panties down, when they see such concrete male power”. This could be my favourite email right now.
- Spam emails don’t always feature the best English, grammar, spelling, or anything else that is important in forming a sentence, but they do have a unique way of getting their point across. “Your manhood won’t stop moving in-and-out until your cutie awakes all neighbours with hot moans”. I think it’s the image this portrays which is important here. But I love the subject title of this email, it says: “You’re against beer or what?” –as if that’s going to provoke some heated manly response and almost force the reader to click on it. How dare this email say I’m against beer, I love beer, I’m going to open it up and download this .exe file and wait, there goes my computer files. Damn it.
- We’re going to end this with spam’s version of poetry, and who said there wasn’t any creativity in spam emails. I’m not exactly sure of the meaning, or whether any of it actually rhymes, or whether a computer randomly selected the words next to eachother, but still, it’s spam poetry, and who am I to stifle art? “Snortin up the beach, I’m waiting for my girls, when you call my eyes. Just some slam dunk, anywhere yeah I don’t care. I feel like I have been hit by a truck, my lover with no jet lag. I’m bettin’ on the dice I’m tossin’, now you keep your fingers out there, honey. So I tell her for fun, it’s really well done, feeling suicidal. Dreams of swords in hand, the sun brings the rain the moon needs the sky. Push, shove, make love, play, never make third base like a tongue in my old lady”. Maybe it’s some weird emo rock band song and the lyrics were stolen from their demo CD? Or it’s Amy Winehouse’s lost poetry book? I’m not sure, I’m even more not sure about the last line, there are clearly some issues being raised here.
Spam isn’t just useless trash emails, it’s filled with hidden gems that can help the everyday man in the bedroom. What have we learnt from this? Basically, all men require a bigger man-tool, and the only way to get this is through ordering from the spam websites (www.weripyouofffool.com) that are conveniently featured in the emails, oh and that spam poetry actually really sucks.
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