I used to be.
I would spy on my husband and throw fits when I caught him through his internet history.
I was so jealous and out of control I threw him out of the house, twice. The second time I insisted he’d move at least 1000 miles away, so I wouldn’t have to witness him destroying some other poor woman’s life.
I was convinced he was addicted to it. I went to COSA meetings and begged him to go to SAA meetings.
He resisted and naturally he would. No one wants to be controlled by another person.
He looked at more internet porn, more and more… The louder and more freaked out I got, the more he withdrew into his computer.
The less we slept together. The more I ate, the fatter I got.
The more I pushed and nagged, the more he resisted…
Even having him leave didn’t stop the cycle.
Getting back together on this truce or that didn’t help at all. Even when he wasn’t looking at porn, I was still crazy jealous over him.
Until one day I just gave up.
I decided that I was valuable to myself. That it was stupid to be stressing out over his possible interest in other women, if he actually had any.
That I would be ok, no matter what happened between us. AND that I wasn’t doing either of us any favors by trying to control him.
I have a life to live and all of this paranoia was just trashing me!
This was years ago.
So many pedals of love have grown over those wounds now I hardly ever think about it.
AND he adores me still, showing me his love and faithfulness constantly without compulsion. Which makes it all the more valuable to me.
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