i’m such a cheap date. i don’t know if that’s something to be proud or ashamed of. on the one hand, it proves i’m not a gold digger or care about material things and a life of luxury, but on the other hand, i could be being taken for granted and it could continue to ingrain in my head this self-image of utter worthlessness.
i’m running out of clean sheets. i really gotta start doing that shit at their place or start swallowing more. or maybe i should just stop having casual sex so often. or just have it with the same guy who won’t care if the sheets are dirty cuz it’s his stuff. i wish doing laundry was more convenient for me. in my apartment next year, we have our own laundry room with a washer and dryer. that’ll be so sweet.
i think i’m starting to see the light. i had a vision of the future in which my mother and i were on good terms for once. it was a glimpse of my wedding day and both my parents were beaming with joy. and everything was in its right place. it’s a long way off, but at least i’m on my way. i’m reminded of something i read in a neil peart book about how adventures suck when you’re having them. before you go, you’re excited and daydreaming about all the great fun you’ll have, and afterward, you can be content with the new experience you have under your belt. but they suck when you’re going through it. that’s sorta where i’m at right now.
i’m such a heartbreaker. i try to be gentle at first, but sometimes i’m pushed to the point of sheer assholedom. this one guy i met once and had an awful experience with kept texting me and i made it blunter and blunter how i didn’t want to see him anymore. so finally he stopped for a couple days, and then on thanksgiving he texted me something like i know you don’t want to talk to me anymore, but i just thought i’d wish you a happy thanksgiving with whoever you’re with now. and alright, so that was nicely and maturely put (unlike 90% of his other texts) but i was so annoyed that he kept bothering me that i wrote back “thank you but i don’t want to hear from you again ever so save your holiday greetings for those who do.” yeaa. that was kind of mean. but do you think that stopped him? maybe for a couple days. i still get random “hi”s from him but i’ve stopped replying altogether. with other guys, though, it’s not so easy for me to let them down. sometimes i feel like i can see myself being happy with just about any guy that comes my way. but there’s way too much drama trying to juggle multiple guys, so i’ve gotta cut some of them out, which sucks cuz each of them reflect one side of me and when i cut one out, i feel like that side of me is now going unfulfilled. maybe that’s why i jump from guy to guy, to keep all the sides of me alive.
No comments:
Post a Comment