Today was a day was a day. Got up around ten, watched a little tv, talked to Kevin again, killed a little time on the internet, got nothing done career wise and am currently battling a headache so would like to go veg in bed but alas dishes await. But candy is always a cure for your ills. Wish I had more but should probably rely on actual drugs for cranial pain. I don’t think either of us is getting the answers we want for each other & each time we talk we always get caught up in the stuff that is a result of the issue we never get around to discussing. Working backwards….we’ve talked about the date (as best as I could; I don’t think that’s something we’ll ever be on the same page about if only because of everything else). He apologized for Michele(which we haven’t really discussed either). But we still have not approached the cybering issue. Which is odd because that’s where I feel like all this started. Had I not caught him cybering, I wouldn’t have been hacking into his voicemail. I wouldn’t have discovered the voicemails. I wouldn’t have been searching for his usernames on the internet and seen that post. Getting the truth about his cybering was like pulling teeth so why would anything else be true? “We were just catching up.” “She’s just a old friend who wanted to show me her tattoo.” “Oh I mean yeah they were topless pictures.” “No I didn’t send those pictures of my cock to anyone. They were going to be a surprise for you.” The only straight truth he told me was that he used my camera. Which makes me go…”oh so you thought about me enough to use my camera but not to say this might be a bad idea?” But this issue we don’t discuss….and that’s why our respective sides just don’t make sense to each other. I feel like I’m supposed to be like “oh okay we’ll since you didn’t go on the date but I did in your situation then you deserve the forgiveness you gave me.” Dare me to ask why didn’t he? He stresses that he didn’t do it but neglects to tell me why not. So I can assume that his moral compass told him not to? Or to assume that plans fell through and they just hadn’t reconnected but had they, oh hells yes he would have gone? Afterall, they have chemistry and she finds it really hot that he tells her how much he wants to fuck her. Who am I to stand in the way of that? And he’s so caught up on technicalities. I asked him how his date was. He said I have no idea what you’re talking about I haven’t been on a date…which is true….but come on….technicality dude. There were plans for a date with a woman in his circle of friends. How can he claim to know nothing of it? Umm…by lying. But I’m the bitch for doubting everything else he says.
At the same time though, don’t pretend that precedent makes you doing the same thing I did YEARS AGO okay. Did we have a basis of mistrust & lies? Did we have a recent case of infidelity? No, we had an immature little college girl who didn’t want to do a long-distance relationship because HELLO! THEY DON’T WORK! We had an immature little college girl who had only one relationship (serious or not) in her life. We had an immature little college girl who thought we had discussed all of this years ago.
I feel like he doesn’t considering hooking up (virtual or IRL) so soon after as showing him as not caring or not regretting what he did. When I say “he moved on,” it wasn’t because of the dating…it was because of the fucking. Had he not immediately started hooking up after we broke up, then fine. Date someone else. He’s right. It’s been six months. Reflect and feel remorse for like two breaths before jumping back in though. But since that’s not how things went down, everything comes into play. Look, I get off-topic talking to myself. It’s like I need to do a line-by-line answer section what what he brought up earlier. I don’t know that would work either. I don’t think we’ll ever get to the point of discussing what actually went wrong and understanding each others point of view. I don’t think we have the answers (or the ability to provide them) that each other needs. Anytime we try, we just end up stuck on the perimeter stuff and not the root anyway. Pfff I have a new concept for up and coming couple counselors. Have your patients share a blog where you interject with your questions & observations and keep them on track.
I’m tempted to make this entry private because I’m sure we both tired of talking about this. I’m sure I’m just saying the same shit over and over again & it’s just gobbley goo every time. I put everything else out there though. Why not this? So what this entry was supposed to be: my day. S’ok. Lot of nothing accomplished. No job stuff. No money stuff. I haven’t even put the stuff from my shopping trip up. I did do some housecleaning on Twitter. Haven’t made it through my lists but one step is better than none. Still debating starting a new blog. All of my blogs have been nothing but me obsessing over some random topic but not actually doing anything about it. I doubt a new one would be any different and probably shouldn’t waste my time trying to make it be. We’ll see though. Made some burgers. They were really good. Umm….watched some tv. Did some internet surfing. The usual. Basically, I should have just stayed in bed……yeah….new goal-oriented blog….totally not going to fly. I’m gonna go do the dishes now. Exciting I know.
….. Wow that’s a lot longer than I intended to speak about it.
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