I had one of Oprah’s Aha! Moments. You know the moment I’m talking about. It’s when a light bulb goes off in your head and suddenly some issue you’d been struggling with becomes crystal clear.
My Aha! Moment came after I finished writing my January 5th 2010 blog. I ended the blog with these words, “Paul left me, dear reader, because he never loved me. And that’s the truth.”
If I were a famous writer I would talk about my Aha! Moment in “O, The Oprah Magazine”. But since I’m an unknown writer I have to talk about my Aha! Moment in my blog, “A Bad Marriage Is Fattening.”
But before I talk about my own Aha! Moment, I want to digress and talk about my relationship with The Queen of Talk – Oprah Winfrey. Perhaps the most influential woman to ever grace our planet.
Now we all know Oprah has a very big life and knows many famous and influential people. Why Oprah has even shared the cover of “O, The Oprah Magazine” with the First Lady of The United States, Michelle Obama. And in December 2009 Oprah shared the cover of “O, The Oprah Magazine” with Ellen Degeneres.
What most people don’t know is that I’m a personal friend of Oprah’s. Gayle King is not Oprah’s only best friend. I’m Oprah’s other best friend. Before you think I’m delusional let me tell you that I have solid proof that I’m Oprah’s other best friend.
I have at this very moment 1,492 unread emails from Oprah. That’s right. You’ve heard me right. Oprah has been filling my email box with emails and they’re all addressed to me personally.
But honestly, who has time for all of Oprah’s emails? Certainly not me. I might have a small life, but even my small life can’t handle all of Oprah’s voluminous emails. Morning, noon and night she incessantly emails me and with no thought, whatsoever, as to what hour of the day it is. For example, I’ll get an email at 3:13 in the morning from who else but Oprah. A loud chime will go off at my computer, abruptly awakening me from my sleep. I’m dreaming of having sex with a man who loves what he calls, “my Renoir body.” Does Oprah care that I haven’t had sex in twenty years and now I’m at least having it in my dreams? No. All Oprah cares about is that I get her email. And what’s so important that Oprah has to pull me out of my dream just when I’m about to climax? Why — she wants me to know who’s going to be on her show the following Monday.
I never reply to Oprah’s emails because I don’t want to encourage her. It’s enough already. I couldn’t possibly read everything that Oprah sends to me in an email. It would absorb my entire day, and I’ve got a blog to get out. Of course, it’s a small blog about how my bad marriage got me fat, how I’ve shed my husband, and now how I want to shed my weight in 2010.
I’ve tried to be gracious and not unsubscribe to Oprah’s website because I don’t want to hurt her feelings. And I don’t want her emailing me asking me why I unsubscribed, because even people with very big lives like Oprah sometimes get lonely in the middle of the night and need a friend they can email to.
And truthfully, the last thing I would ever want to do is to have a confrontation with Oprah. Remember what she did to James Frey, who wrote “A Million Little Pieces” when she heard rumors that he had fabricated large parts of his memoir? Oprah invited him back on her show for a second time to directly confront him about whether the accusations against the book were true. Believe me, you don’t want the powerful Ms. Oprah Winfrey confronting you on her show.
“Joan, why did you unsubscribe to me? Even though I have a very big life, sometimes I get lonely in the middle of the night and I need a good friend I can email to. I thought you were that friend.” Oprah’s eyes fill up with tears.
Believe me, you don’t want to be the one who’s responsible for Oprah’s tears.
“I understand, Oprah, and I am your good friend, but it was humanly impossible for me to keep up with all your emails.”
“I’m very hurt about this, Joan. Gayle manages to read all my emails. I can’t understand why you cannot.”
“I’m really sorry, Oprah. I really am.”
“And you’ll be more sorry when your book, “A Bad Marriage Is Fattening”, comes out and I don’t invite you to be a guest author on my show. An appearance on my show would ensure that your book would become an instant bestseller.”
“Oprah, you do have a point and I’m definitely having one of your Aha! Moments. I’m going to re-subscribe to your website immediately.”
“I’m so happy that you‘ve decided to change your mind and re-subscribe. And you will read all of my emails that I send to you, won’t you, Joan?”
“Each and everyone of them. I promise.”
“You’re not just saying that because you want to be on my show when your book comes out?”
“Oprah, would I lie to you? You’re my best friend.”
Dear reader, today’s blog was supposed to be my Aha! Moment about my ex husband, Paul, never loving me, but that will have to wait.
Right now I have 1,492 emails to read. And she’s sending me more.
No comments:
Post a Comment