Lust (why it's good enough for me)

When I went on the celibacy wagon a decade ago, I didn’t think I would come off till I was in Love. In fact I even tried to make love happen and that was a mistake I’ll never make again. It just meant another three years of celibacy and less trust for mankind.

Part of my resistance to The Boy the first two and a half years I knew him, was that I DID lust after him. When he called one day and said he had tried asking me out, that didn’t work, so I’m trying this, Do you want to just fuck? I came an eyelash beat away from saying yes, because really I just wanted him to fuck my brains out, put them back and do it again till I couldn’t walk.

Instead I turned him away and thought about what he would be like. And lusted after him in my head. After we had sex the first time. I felt let down. It wasn’t him, it was me. I was nervous and holding back and I didn’t let myself let go. I think it terrified me to actually let go with someone again, even though I wanted to go there with him.

Does it bother me that he says breathlessly, “God you have a nice body!” and yet I know he doesn’t Love me? Does it make me shy away when he kisses my belly button and licks my navel ring and whispers, ” so sexy!” and yet I know he doesn’t Love me? Does it bother me that he may call in three weeks and say, “Come over.”  and I will, knowing I’m going to play pretzel bunny? No, really I don’t think it bothers me at all.

I mean he spoke and I responded. Rather well too the second time. I actually haven’t talked to him since I was over last. I hurt myself so bad and I didn’t want to tell him that I threw my back out while we sexed. I mean it made me sit and look back at it and go what the hell did I do? When the lightbulb went off I actually felt a little embarrassed because Whabs got a little buck wild with her bad self.

I used to joke with my male friends and laugh about the poor son of a bitch I finally got my hands on. He better have a strong heart I’d say. When it came right down to it, I was oh so very wrong. Like I said, I’m sure I was temporarily out of my mind the other night. I was in the moment, but my moment had a lot of tag along thoughts.

So…I’m OK with my lust?

Yeah, I’m OK with it. It’s nice. I’m even OK with his lust.

I’m all down with Love. I hope to have it again someday, but for now I’m OK with having a friend and feeling alive again in a way that I left for  dead. I knew I would fix one certain area of my life and the rest would fall like donimoes.

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