WEDNESDAY 30th SEPTEMBER
I think the best blogs are when I’ve got something particular on my mind. Like when my blood is boiling. Like when someone has crossed me. Like when people are doing such ridiculous things. This week, however, I don’t really have much a beef with anyone or anything.
Yes, I was disappointed when Leicester City saw their unbeaten home run come to an end last Saturday – especially as they’d not lost at home for over a year – but then a largely unexpected win at Middlesbrough on Tuesday night soothed my football woes.
No-one has particularly pressed my emotional buttons in the past week although I do get rather irate when people who can’t drive properly do it right in front of me. It surely can’t be that hard to use the inside lane when it’s available or indicate at 300 yards from a motorway junction they wish to use or… well… you get the idea.
So it’s fair to say I’m not at my blood-pumping best (or worst, depending on your view) at the moment – hence why the blog is not filled with such hate and anger.
I do, however, enjoy and appreciate your feedback – good and bad – because if you give it, you have to be able to take it.
*****
There’s something wrong with my toenails. They’re all clean and clear. Yes, after four months of being pink, they are now as nature intended. Although not all my friends (and enemies) agree, I think it’s been a worthwhile experiment.
They’ve been a talking point – especially in Ibiza – and the subject of breast cancer awareness has been raised on numerous occasions. I may have them painted pink again in the future. The girls at Tantalize (the best beauty salon in Telford, by the way) have offered their magnificent services and I may take them up on it. It’s not like having a permanent tattoo which is with you for life and can be embarrassing if the design/name becomes obsolete for various reasons.
On the subject of which, I see that Jodie Marsh has further ruined her skin by adding a carrot on her arm. I’m not joking. She already has a sprig of broccoli as well as designs of Michael Jackson, Buddy Holly and Chuck Berry.
When I’m in full spleen-venting mode another time, I’ll tell you what I really think of tattoos and people who have ridiculous stuff on their bodies – although you can probably guess I’m not a fan of them.
*****
Decent telly alert: returning to ITV1 this week (Friday 9pm) is Benidorm. The first two series were excellent, as was the one off special earlier this year. Let’s hope they’ve maintained the quality – even if we have to again suspend our disbelief regarding the same people going back to the same hotel at the same time each year.
Then again, there are people who think EastEnders, Coronation Street, Emmerdale et al are documentaries rather than soaps.
But don’t try to convince me that Dr. Who is not real. The TARDIS can take you anywhere. I believe that. I’ve seen it on my telly box thing. Although I’m a bit baffled how Jon Pertwee could be Dr. Who AND Worzel Gummidge. It’s magic – I can’t explain it. Hey ho… that’s just the way it is.
(I’m assuming you realised the last paragraph was coated with a dollop of sarcasm but just in case you didn’t, press Alt+F4 on your keyboard now. Bye!)
*****
Further to last week’s suggestion of chartering a small boat and sending the oxygen thieves who choke our society into the sea without any aid, I would like to add Trinny & Susannah to the passenger list. Others will follow when they spring to mind.
*****
I’m well aware that most of you come here for the vicious stuff rather than for the clever bits or political satire or football chat – stick with it, you might learn something, stop skim-reading – but I had to laugh when Gordon Brown spoke at the Labour Party conference this week.
He told delegates: “We have changed the world before and we will change the world again.” Yes you are right, Gordon – it has changed for the worst since your mob came into power in 1997. [Opinion/fact]
Brown also said: “We will not stand by and see the lives of the lawful majority disrupted by the behaviour of the lawless minority.” Now that’s fine to say – but then you have to ask what the f*** have they been doing to sort out the scum of society over the past 12 years as it clearly hasn’t worked.
They’re such a morally bankrupt lot that Peter Mandelson, sacked three times from Government office, is now one of their chief flag bearers.
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I was further amused when ‘The Sun’ announced on the evening after Brown’s speech that it would ditch Labour and urge its readers to vote Conservative at the next election. They backed Marvellous Maggie [opinion] in the 1980s and even John Major in 1992 – every time they supported the winning candidate.
They changed allegiance in 1997 when the leading snake oil salesman Blair brainwashed the nation but now they too have had enough of Labour. Symbolically, it’s a big thing. Sun readers are essentially working class – so many will traditionally vote Labour – but supporting David Cameron could easily sway a few wavering voters.
Trust me… when this lot get their marching orders and we get a return to centre-right politics and the freedoms that comes with it, I will be first at the bar with a celebratory vodka or seven. I might even buy you one.
You’ll have forgotten I mentioned that come election time (probably May/June next year) but if you haven’t, I’ll get Derren Brown to come around and stick you to your seat.
*****
Rumour has it that Heather Mills is being lined up as a contestant for the ‘Dancing On Ice’ show. I’m way too lazy to write some gags about the one-legged, Beatle-leeching money-grabber being suited to a cold environment but I’m sure you can think of your own.
*****
Certain companies have started making a big deal about their products “not being on comparison websites” and I wondered why. Well that was until I was sorting out home and car insurance for my parents. I went to these companies (Direct Line and Aviva) and they were much more expensive than going through the comparison sites.
They may be cheaper for some people, of course, but they weren’t in this case. If they truly believe they offer the best service and value, then surely they’d have nothing to hide by being compared to other companies.
Right, let’s spend five minutes comparing Meerkats…
http://www.comparethemeerkat.com/my-movies
Try not to laugh during the last of the out-take bloopers. I dare you.
*****
News from the Sugababes – Keisha has now left meaning all three original members have gone. It reminded me of Trigger in Only Fools And Horses winning an award from the council for a lifetime sweeping the streets of Peckham and telling Del Boy that he’s had the same brush for 20 years, adding: “This old broom has had 17 new heads and 14 new handles in it’s time.”
Maybe the original members – Siobhan, Mutya and Keisha – should reform in another band. This, however, is highly unlikely as they all left the band in the first place because they hated each other!
*****
I’m looking forward to the opening of our new club, bar and restaurant in Telford next week. I will be DJ-ing in Vox bar on Wednesday night but not under the guise of djwanker – I will be plain, old Geoff Peters, leaving the Tourettes at Pussycats. This is because the new place will magically attract a better class of clientele and they might be offended. And we can’t have that.
I will be ‘warming up’ for the main attraction – DJ Shuttsie in Club Crush – and I hope to see some of you there.
You’ll still find me being vulgar and crude (as well as playing all the big tunes you know and love) in Pussycats every Friday and Saturday night. Head to the gallery at www.djwanker.com for my latest selection of photos from the club.
The new Chinese restaurant looks bang on although I’m not into that kind of food. They’re bound to sell steak and chips to I’ll have a bit of that. If it’s on the menu, it’s in stock. If it’s in stock, it needs to be eaten. I’ve only ever had a Chinese meal once before – I was in the company of Nasty Nick from Big Brother and a couple of others in London about five or six years ago but that’s an anecdote for another time – and I didn’t really enjoy the grub.
I also got the breadsticks and chopsticks mixed up which was a little embarrassing…
*****
Stolen from the letters page of Viz magazine:
”The person who coined the phrase ‘as different as chalk and cheese’ obviously hadn’t tasted the cheddar at Asda.”
”If, as Freddie Mercury claimed, fat bottomed girls make the rocking world go round, isn’t it about time that the city of Wolverhampton received some recognition for its contribution to astrophysics?”
*****
And finally… you didn’t really press Alt+F4 earlier, did you?
Cheers for now,
Geoff / DJ Wanker
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